Watched the phone all night,
Hoping you would call.
But it never rang,
See how my hopes fall?
Watched the phone all night,
Right night, wrong girl. Same story, new world. Start over? Fuck that. Same game, new trap. Burnt out, worn down. Want out, gonna drown. Who’s next? Someone better? Same story, different weather.
I want a girl who knows I’m broken, who gets that she shouldn’t fix me, that all the parts are here but playing with them’s risky. I want someone to stay the nights just to have someone to hold, I’ll even let her hog the blankets when the nights get cold. I want to make her smile when I think I’m being witty, I want her to call me sometimes just so I know she don’t forget me. I want to know her, and like that, because that’s what makes it last, and I want her to be able to always make me laugh, cause God knows I need it, and I need her to know, that I need a little pushing to get where I should go. If that’s not enough, I’ve got so much more, but that should paint a picture of the girl I’m looking for.
I’ve got this bad taste in my mouth, been a while since I wrote you, just wanted to remind you of all the little things I go through. Lately I’ve been feeling never good enough, weak right? Like I keep on trying but it keeps me up at night cause my goddamn standards are too goddamn high but I’ll be damned if I’ma drop them just to get some sleep at night. I’ll give up on the nights but this is eating up my days, like the pressure never lessens and I’m going in a craze and I’m living in a daze so I never enjoy nothing, I’ve got a lot of highs but the lows keep coming.
And I hate sleeping alone, I don’t see why that’s a problem, but these girls want to fuck and leave and don’t answer when I call them. What the hell is that shit, I don’t care if that’s just “college”, if that’s the world that I live in then there’s no room left for the good guys and I might as well just give in.
Plus all these people shit on my goals, like “Serving the country out of imagined duty isn’t really honorable.” Well fuck you. It’s my life I’ll fucking live it, and if there’s a bullet and a life to save then I’ll gladly fucking give it, and if that doesn’t earn your respect then I guess just fuck you anyways, cause knowing I do right by me is how I make it through the day.
As I look in the mirror and I hate what I see, as I look in the mirror and see the weakness in me, and I try so hard to get it all out, but it’s here to stay and I know it’s about, to the point where I lose it, snap and go crazy, I’ve had a good run but the sanity’s fading. I thought that like always I could fake it to make it, but I’ve got a bad feeling and I can’t seem to shake it and it’s telling me they’ll bury me and as I gasp for air the dirt pours in and no one cares, and I’m losing it. I’m just losing it. I’ve lost my shit and I just can’t hide it, cause they took my mask and they threw it away and they saw the old me and had nothing to say. With disgust they turned away, and left me here in this dark place, now I’m alone and I’m by myself just left forgotten on the highest shelf, but I’m slipping off and I’ll fall and shatter and the worst part is it won’t matter
This is who I am, ask me what you mean to me. Everything I am, it all means nothing to me. Every single thing that makes me want to keep going on, out all comes from you right or wrong.
I know that I’m good, special, unique talented. But going home alone, I just cannot balance it. At the end of the day, the day doesn’t even matter. At the end of the day, without a good night after.
So much, running circles around my mind. So much telling me, that should feel fine. But at the end of the day, I’m ready for it to end. Because I came home alone, where are all my friends
All these people here, they’re just names in my head, with faces and stories attached. It’s my home, but they’re not part of it any longer, and there you are pulling my head under the waves again.
The questions I can’t ask you suffocate me. How the fuck could you find someone new? Why do I even care? Why did it have to be somebody nearby? Why don’t you still love me?
So I broke up with you cause of a couple good reasons: long distance never works, and summer is the season of fun flirty nothings with girls you’ve always thought about but never got to have, and in my mind there was no doubt that it was the right call, that I’d be over you, that college would be another summer like another dream come true, but it didn’t work like that, no not even a little. I got cheated on, pushed away, and caught up in the middle of so much drama, that by the time college came, I was ready to get away, I didn’t know it’d be the same. Except it was too quiet, and you crept back in my head, so we talked a little and I found out that instead of missing me you’d moved on, and I took that as a sign to mean that I should move on too, chin up and I’d be fine. But months passed, and I kept on looking back, reminiscing about all the times we were so bad and it was so good. But then you met this guy, forgot about me and in the blink of an eye we were through. And that breaks my fucking heart. I’m past six months too late but I don’t wanna be apart. Fuck it. I shouldn’t think when it’s this late. Stay the fuck out of my head and keep your new boyfriend away.
It’s another “no sleep” kind of night. I mean everything’s alright, isn’t it always? I just want to be happy for the holidays. Something’s wrong with me, pining over the girl it took me six months to miss, took me that long to see, that she’s the one I want to be with.
Fuck, I’m sorry, I keep writing about Lauren. Nobody cares about the past, it’s the past and it’s boring. So instead, here, let me tell you a story.
I watch a lot of How I Met Your Mother, it’s my favorite show, and it’s actually taught me a lot of what I know. Barney is a player, he goes after the ladies, spends money all night but he makes more all day. Ted is hopeless, a romantic through and through, spends his whole life searching for the girl that’ll do, the impossible- make him stay in love. Where I am, Barney’s below and Ted is above. See I spend my time looking for a girl who captivates me, delights me, and never wants to let me go. But I love to suit up and throw money at one night girls so, what’s the dream? What’s gonna make me happy? One way I’m up all night pining and thinking, the other I’m out all night blowing my money with people drinking away their youth and hooking up for kicks. My fairytale or the dream life, I can’t reconcile it.
So not really a story, more of a question. Call me or message me if you’ve got a suggestion. I know I can’t go backwards, she firmly shut that door, but moving forward I’d like a game plan for what’s in store.
I miss the girl I had at this time last year, dunno why but I just keep living in the past here, I thought that I’d passed here, but I guess I got passed here, and I guess it’s clear that I’m the last here. What a disasteer, shed a tear, it’s damn good that I don’t drink beer, ‘cause if I did it’s pretty damn clear, who I’d be drunk dialing, I’m smiling, looking back on back when we were back to back, front to back, front to front, at the forefront of our youth, with everything to do, with each other to each other in each other, oh brother, you get the point, that’s enough, it’s been tough, and in the end it’s still the same stuff, couldn’t get enough. Still can’t, and that’s a fact, I wanna find you wrapped, under my tree. Cause this year you’re still the girl that’s made me the most happy
I come here to let my emotions out, but only the sad ones. I guess I live in a world where it’s only acceptable to hate or have fun or be tired or a liar or great or okay, but if you want to cry or hurt you have to hide all that away. I find myself here a few nights a week just to let it all out, not every night because I’ve got a roommate and I know it’d freak him out. I’m in the fucking Army so I can’t look weak, I stand for my flag and the flag stands for me. I salute the sacrifice that terrifies me, leading men in a war, but wondering if they really know what they’re fighting and dying for. I wonder if I can do it, order a good man to his death. Even for the good of others, I know it will deprive me of rest, deprive me of peace, deprive me of sleep. I asked a holy man, the archbishop of this diocese, to explain the implications of the duty that plagues me. He answered the wrong question, telling me the church supports soldiers, but I still don’t know if the church believe my soul will be blackened by the actions I fear I will take, and I wonder sometimes if this is a grave mistake. But despite the severity of this fear in my life it is not these thoughts that fill my mind each night. Even here in my new home the loneliness has returned, despite my efforts to ensure that it burned up in new friendships and connections an nights out. I really couldn’t guess why it’s come back to me now. But I suppose I’ve just forgotten how to bring people close, how to create bonds that don’t let me feel alone. These people here, I don’t know, I want them to know me. Maybe they do but I want them to show me. I feel awkward again and I don’t think it’s fair, but that doesn’t help because God knows who cares.
I miss you, guess that’s all there is to it, that way you’d hold me, the way you squeeze me, when something was wrong the way you knew it. I’m sick of feeling fucking sappy and filling up my time, cause trying not to miss you is breaking my heart and I’m losing my mind. And I know you’re cool calm collected and you went and found someone new, but baby if I know you I know you feel some of this too. But I’ll never tell you this cause you say you’re happy and I’d never fuck that up. I can’t ask you to come back to me because I can’t take not being good enough.
Guess it’s just one of those things, man, I must’ve been dreamin, reminiscing about back when we were a team and, it all fit together, yeah, we were air tight. I made her happy she made sure I was alright. And I guess I just started to take that for granted after a while, I stopped thinking about all the reasons she made me smile, and then it was over. I gave up too quickly. I wish she woulda grabbed me, told me I was wrong and then kissed me. We coulda stuck it out, but now it’s behind us, with nothing but pictures and words and memories to remind us.
And a part of me last night started missing her so bad, and I got to thinking that maybe, just maybe when we go back, that we could go back, to who we were for each other, when we were all we needed and we didn’t need no others. But she replaced me, guess some other dude got there quicker. All I’m doing now is wishing I’d stuck with her. I know I’ve got to move on, but I haven’t find anyone to move to. It hurts so bad to realize that there’s not anyone like you.
All these goodbyes hurt my heart. They call to mind memories and it breaks my heart. And my broken heart falls apart because no one’s holding it together. I need somebody to care that much again. To love all of me. I want another chance to not mess it up. I will not fall apart again. But I am losing myself through the cracks and it’s terrifying
I don’t know how to go on if there’s nothing more than this, I’m stuck in a vicious cycle where nothing seems to mix, it just bangs around and beats me till I’m crumpled on the floor. Then I stand back up so I can take some more. I wish I could trade my heart and my mind for ones more in control, for ones that would leave my sanity whole. It seems like I fall for every girl that makes me smile and more. How much longer can I pick myself off the floor? I guess I’m ready for this to end now, cause I just can’t take no more, it’s a shutout and I still have yet to score. Surround me with girls who love me and at least one I can trust, that’s all I really need but I guess I must, be asking for way too much because I just can’t find both. Around these corners there’s a happy ending I sure hope. Oh no. Don’t let me fall again. Oh no, don’t take anymore friends. Make happy endings happen and please let my dreams come true, I just really really hope that I can count on you
Feeling down today, guess it even rains in paradise. One more girl didn’t happen, one more day living a day at a time. One more night regretting and overthinking. I gotta get off of the love boat cause everyone who gets on it it starts sinking. I’m drowning in my insecurities, choking on self doubt. I really need romance to finally work out.